The only approval I need is my own.
I don't need to get into all of the details of my childhood, but in short, my father was abusive and toxic, and yet most of my childhood I tried to gain his approval. I desperately wanted validation, to know I was a good kid and that he loved me.
At the ripe age of 18 I declared, fuck this, and stopped trying. We haven't spoken since #notimefortoxicity
Since then I've spent my life carefully curating it, making sure I'm happy and healthy in my personal routines, and trimming out as much stress and drama as possible. That said, the ol' trauma wounds run deep and sometimes interfere with my groove.
Being creative has always been my happy place, my escape, my therapy, the sweet nougaty center of my soul.
But as I venture into this complicated place where I'm mixing business with pleasure, residual trauma bullshit starts creeping into my brain, and sometimes I feel I'm that kid all over again seeking her father's approval. Not literally, but figuratively.
These feelings usually hit me when my energy is low, I've hit a creative block, or if Mercury is in retrograde or something (I really don't know). All I know is, it hits me. All I know is I start questioning myself.
I do two things to reverse this nonsense.
1. I reach out when this happens. Acknowledging these feelings somehow takes away their power. It helps me to step outside of myself and see that I'm just that vulnerable kid longing for approval.
2. Journaling, journaling, journaling. Processing everything with actual ink on actual paper really helps process all the things. There's a certain meditation about it that helps ingrain my happier, healthier truth. It's the act of thinking it, writing it, seeing it, creating that manifests it into reality.
When I do these two things it gives me the power to GIVE MYSELF APPROVAL. I can give myself that attention, that safety, that love. I can get the proverbial pat on the head I need now and then.
And what's more is, the love I give myself is authentic.
So, if you're out there stuck in that vulnerable place, and need approval, I'd like to remind you, YOUR approval is the only one that matters. Go love on yourself, be kind to yourself, go pat youself on the head and write that shit down.
You're a good kid.
PS - I did a sweet little Friday Fast Doodle you can watch on Instagram. Just use #fridayfastdoodleapproval