I sat my ass down to do a little research on the formation of molecules, I'm telling you, I'm a total nerd. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was struck with the startling contrast of who I used to be, compared with who I am now.
And being a nerd certainly is NOT how I would have classified myself 20 years ago.
Nah, 20 years ago I was a know-it-all shithead with a chip on her shoulder. I was also in hard-core survival mode (so totally understandable). I kept my emotional self locked up pretty tight and had some pretty rigid ways of conducting my business. Though my behaviors wouldn't have indicated as such. Nope, on the outside I appeared to be a free spirit. Crystal, who was up for anything, was actually quite angry, sad, and unhealthy AF.
I was a dopamine chaser. I longed for connection. And the only way I knew how to get it was to impress the people around me. I impressed them with how generous I was with my time, resources and body. I impressed them with shots of tequila and long hauls on the pipe. I impressed them with my impeccable work ethic, always working so hard. So. Fucking. Hard.
And not just at my job, but at EVERYTHING.
I can't tell you the exact moment it happened, I'm not even sure there was just ONE pivotal defining moment, but, rather, a series of moments strung together, but there came a time when it became painfully clear that the majority of my feelings were exhaustion, resentment and numbness.
And for whatever a rather simple question snuck its way into my head, "what if...?"
What if I didn't give myself away so freely?
What if I didn't numb myself from reality?
What if I didn't exhaust myself?
'What if' opens a door for your naturally curious brain, even if that brain has forgotten that it's curious. Challenging your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, gives you a new perspective on life.
And when life is coming up short for you, a new perspective is exactly what you need.
A positive, growth mindset is what you need. A growth mindset allows you to sit back and get curious about our circumstances. How did I get here? How is this serving me? What can I do differently? What do I really want?
And when you start asking yourself these questions, and providing your brain and your heart with honest answers, your natural intuition will be to start problem solving.
And that's the goal of self care, right? To solve problems? We wouldn't need to carve out time for self care if there weren't ever any problems. But we all know that's not the case.
Anyway, the first step to creating a healthy, balanced, healing life is to get curious, because curiosity cures, my friend.
I love you.
I appreciate you.
I'm so glad you're here.